Comment Wall
Here's the link to my first story: Avenging a Wife
Introduction to Alex Lagge A Computer Engineer
Hey everyone my name is Alex Lagge. I am a junior at ou. My major is computer engineering. Why did I choose that major? I find computers to be fascinating and one of the most important pieces of the future. After my undergrad, I want to pursue an MBA and data analysis master. Even though I'm a computer engineer, I am planning on not doing a whole lot in the engineering field and want to go work as a data analyst. That's the boring school stuff about me. My hobbies are all things sports. I wouldn't consider myself a stereotypical sports bro though. Even though I spend a lot of my time reading and watching sports, I like the strategies that go into sports and the data behind decisions. A quick example is how the NBA is going toward more 3's and layups/dunks because from an efficiency stand point they are the best shots to take. The sport I like more than the NBA is football. The NFL is the superior football league compared to college. Many people enjoy college football mo...
Hello, Alex!
ReplyDeleteI thought your story was really funny and interesting. I think it's really creative to put such a complicated situation in a more modern, relatable setting. I like the way you described the men and the way you voiced their dialogue! It was very suggestive of the muscle heads we all can visualize so easily. I think you could include a little more information about Nick and his relationship to the brothers. I also think you could add a little more detail about the brother's contempt for one another. While the incident with the coffee table is clearly the motivation for some of the anger, there are certainly other reasons or events that cause Sam to look at his brother with so much adversity. The ending of the story seemed a little abrupt, and I think it could be spread out a little more. Perhaps you can make a play on Sam's decision to bring the gun or just add some context before he shoots his brother. When I read that he pulled the gun out and shot his brother it seemed like it didn't fit with my understanding of Sam. Other than that, there were just a couple of sentence errors, so maybe just proofread again! Great Story!
Hey Alex.
ReplyDeleteI thought this story was great. I give it an A for sure! This was comedic, entertaining, and a great read. I laughed through all the gym statements because I have some friends that are similar to the characters within your story, well minus all the pushing a wife through a table. I tried so hard not to laugh when the brother was mad that his brother Charles pushed his wife through a table. I know that is terrible, but for some reason it brought back memories of all the stupid things the guys did living in the dorms freshman year. One things I would fix is that it is good that you constantly are using peoples names so that the reader does not get people mixed up; however I also think you should maybe space peoples names a little. In some instances one of the sentences has a persons name toward the end, then you start the next sentence with that persons name so it sometimes sounds redundant. Overall, great story and I can not wait to read more.
Hello Alex,
ReplyDeleteI really like how your personality shined through the story. It was super funny and definitely more entertaining to read than the original. The original story was so intense and all over the place, but I thought your version was much more concise and comedic. I also really liked your author's notes because it gave a very clear comparison of the original story and your version. You listed what you changed and why you changed it. For instance, I was super confused about the milk thing until you mentioned it being a joke among people who go to the gym. I want to know what other things have happened in the past between the brothers to cause them to have such animosity towards each other. I know the fight happened because Charles tripped the wife, but that hardly seems like a justified reason to kill your brother, which was probably the point of the story to begin with. There just seemed to be a lot of tension so I would love to know what other crazy things Charles has done to Sam.
Hello, Alex!
ReplyDeleteI randomly got assigned your other story this week, "Lovers Escape." I really enjoyed this story and liked the modern aspects to it, such as the use of "Uber", as well as the creative character names and so on. I really liked how I could identify parallels from the original story too... I think that made the entire thing more enjoyable to read. I think you could stand to elaborate on just a few elements of your story. One thing that I would love to know more about are the limitations they had keeping them in the room. If they had hours before the bomb was going to go off, what was stopping them from just leaving them? Why did they have to escape so sneakily? Perhaps they could have called the police? I think a little more detail could make the entire story more dramatic and sensible. I wonder why they needed a pig, and I wonder what made the event so tragic to the police if the people survived. Would they not know if it was cooked pig remains versus human remains? All in all, I thought the story was entertaining and creative. And I really like the picture on your portfolio page!
Hi Alex,
ReplyDeleteIt's always really cool to see that the themes and messages of these ancient stories still hold up in modern times. There is a lot of potential in re-telling the stories in modern times.
I liked your modern take on these ancient stories. I also liked the way that you set up the website and the background image is fantastic.
I did see some issues when reading the story. There were several grammatical issues that I noticed, along with a couple of misspellings (last sentence, paragraph four, lover's escape). For this, I would revise and re-read the stories carefully. I would also use some sort of grammar software to point out these common mistakes. I use Grammarly; I believe is free to OU students because I definitely don't pay for it. They make it a lot easier to proofread your stories.
I look forward to reading more of your stories.
Hi Alex! The link to your comment wall was broken, so I had to manually come here, which was kind of a pain. I really liked your story "Lover's Escape". I really enjoyed the detail about Greyson and Art Girl and Sebastian like how Greyson worked for Goldman Sachs and that Sebastian was a real estate mogul.
ReplyDeleteI felt a little bad for Sebastian since he was in love with Art Girl, but also he definitely went too far trying to blow up her and Greyson. He should have found a healthy way to deal with his emotions and move on. Also blowing up his own resort was probably bad for business! Ha ha.
My only issue with the story is some misspellings, for example you said
"to get Sebastian off their tale. "
When instead of "tale" it should be "tail". I think some advice for next time would be to proofread your stories. It definitely seems like you skim over the story without checking for spelling and grammatical errors. Which sucks because they distract from your stories, which are really good!
Anyways, I look forward to reading more from you!
Hey Alex, the link on your website links to your blog editing page, not to the actual blog itself, in case you didn't know!
ReplyDelete"Avenging A Wife" was pretty intense. A man has to teach his brother a lesson for hurting his wife, but his brother is so JACKED that they can't hurt him, so he ends up just shooting him. It's kind of comical, in a way (not sure if you were going for that tone in the story). I feel like there are some key details missing, though. In the the author's note you said that Charles was a criminal, but the story didn't mention that at all. Also, you mentioned that you made the fight between Sam and his brother, but in the Ramayana, Rama and Lakshmana are brothers fighting a rakshasa. I'd like to know why you made the brothers fight? You could have made Sam and Nick brothers and Charles a criminal.
Anyways, great story!
Hey Alex,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story "Lovers Escape," as I thought you connected the original story to a more modern retelling very well! I thought the use of bombs at a hotel made the story feel more realistic than a wooden house being set on fire, it was almost like reading the script of an episode of NCIS (or one of the other hundreds of cop shows.) I also loved how you used a roasted pig common at luaus as the bodies left behind. I think it not only was a good modern twist, but also the lack of death this story compared to the original would have been off putting and out of character for Grayson. One of the things I think might add to the story as a whole is giving "art girl" an actual name. It was a little hard to feel attached to the character when she was just referred to as "art girl" instead of an actual name. Maybe if art girl is given some lines and conflict/character development, the reader will be better able to see her as an individual, not just the love interest of Grayson and Sebastian. All in all though, great story! I can't wait to read what happens next.
Hi Alex,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your stories. I like your writing style and I love how in "Lovers Escape" you added a modern twist on it and made it your own. It was quite honestly comedic and I enjoyed reading it. I liked how I could relate it back to the original story! I thought your story was very creative and liked how you made it to where Grayson noticed the wires and realized there was a bomb and how he came up with a plan to use a pig and later on left in an Uber! I love reading stories with a modern twist on it because I feel like it's always fun and easier to relate. Overall, great story! I enjoyed it and if I were to change anything, I would suggest giving Art Girl a name instead of just calling her Art Girl and maybe even adding some dialogue for her character in the story! I look forward to reading more of your stories!
Hi Alex, I really liked your story "Avenging a Wife." I thought the build-up was intense. There was also some really tense dialogue between Sam and Charles. You built Charles up to be such a strong and powerful character that the odds against him seemed almost impossible. I honestly thought Charles was going to win, but when Sam pulled out the gun it was totally abrupt and unexpected. I also like that at the end Sam was filled with guilt. It matches the Ramayana perfectly, Sam has a code of honor just like Rama, which means sometimes he is going to have to do things that he doesn't want to, because his first duty is to maintain cosmic balance.
ReplyDeleteHowdy Alex,
ReplyDeleteI would like to begin by saying that your website's layout and design looks really good. I did have an issue with getting access to your comment wall, the link it was not working, so I had to either go through the class page with the links to everyone's project websites and comment walls or go find your actual blog from the blog stream and hunt your comment wall down, therefore I would suggest maybe checking out the comment wall error. Overall, your website was eye appealing and easy to navigate.
I read your first story and really enjoyed it because of the modern spin you put on the original story. I though the story was fun and fast pace. However, I do have one suggestion. You used the name Grayson for the male, but for his female counterpart you used the name Art Girl, which I would understand if you were going for a super hero or comic book theme. However, the story's writing style did not really give off either of those vibes to me as a reader, so I was a bit confused on why Art Girl was not given a "normal" name. I would suggest that you maybe explain her name or maybe even change it. Overall, I though your story was very amusing.
Hi Alex!
ReplyDeleteI'd like to start off by saying that I really like your website's design and layout. It was super easy for me to navigate and everything was organized very well. I like how you had the titles of each of your stories as a tab in the top corner- I have one tab with a pull-down menu for mine and I like the way yours is. I also like that you have a small introduction (even if it's only one sentence). I think it would be useful though if you clarified whether or not your page is a portfolio or a storybook.
As for your stories, I really enjoyed Lover's Escape. It was easy to follow along and although it was to the point, you provided plenty of detail to fully explain the scenario. I do have to agree with some others that I think it is a little strange that you named Grayson Grayson and Art Girl Art Girl. I understand that her doing art is important to the story, but you could definitely still fit that in there if you were to change her name.
Hi~
ReplyDeleteI like the title "Battles Retold". Right away I know what to expect from the stories.
I have a few comments about the formatting of the site but it's nothing major. On the home page maybe you could center the 'about' and the comment wall link. I think it'd flow better to have everything centered with the title.
At first I thought all the stories were connected, if you changed the banner image for the different pages it may clarify that each one is separate.
In 'Lover's Escape' the spacing between dialogue/paragraphs was a bit distracting. I think keeping it compact and using extra spacing for time jumps or important moments would be better. The last formatting thing that caught my attention was the image at the end of "Avenging a Wife". I don't know if Google Sites works like this but if possible I think shrinking the image down would make it easier to look at.
Nice work on your stories! They are definitely a unique take on what we've been reading.
Hi Alex,
ReplyDeleteYou’ve given these stories that action movie sheen, which is something I haven’t seen anyone else do yet.
I have to ask: why does everyone have a name, and then there’s “Art Girl”? Why is that her name?
A few things (“Lover’s Luau”):
- In the 4th paragraph, “he overlooked” should be “it overlooked.”
- I would have liked to see a longer, more fleshed out description of how Grayson discovered Sebastian’s trap.
- Maybe Grayson should explain what he discovered to Art Girl? Her reaction to her new husband running downstairs and telling her that they need to fake a murder with a pig’s body seems… muted.
- I also would have liked a longer description of their running away. I feel like there’s good potential for a chase scene there….
This is a fun set of modern, action-blockbuster-style adaptations, Alex! I will say that somehow everyone’s perfection and unparalleled beauty and virtue sounds a little more ridiculous in modern terms, but that’s a feature of the original stories, not your retelling.
Thanks,
A.M.
Hello again, Alex!
ReplyDeleteThis week, for project feedback, we're supposed to focus on the images people have used on their page. When I first arrived at your project website, I definitely found myself hooked by the image on your home page! I think it was smart to use a picture that depicts actual battles from Indian epics, rather than just an image of any battle you might have found labeled for reuse. Especially because your portfolio project deals with the characters of the epics, this picture works very well! That being said, I think that you should try and find new pictures for each story. I'm certain you won't always find pictures that feature the characters/events your stories parallel, but you should hopefully be able to find some kind of picture that relates to the plot of each of your stories. And your stories, again, are modern, so that should help to open up some possibilities!
Hey Alex,
ReplyDeleteWhenever I read a story, I always try to figure out what story it is related to from something that we have read in class. Sometimes this works out because I have read it, or the inspiration comes from something else and I have no idea what the story is based off of. Other times I just forget and that was this time. Reading your author's note was very helpful in reminding me the story of Viradha against Rama and Lakshmana. Some of the changes were interesting, but I just don't know if I can get behind some of the transitions into the modern day. For example, if you were just working out in a gym having a grand ole' time and someone just shoots the guy on the lat pulldown machine, the cops would get called. Maybe that's just part of the humor that you added to the story, which I loved. I definitely laughed at how obsessed Charles was with working out and the milk. When I was reading, the sheer amount of milk was awesome and I'm glad that you intentionally put the milk in to jab at your friend. It was awesome.
Hi Alex,
ReplyDeleteFirst things first, thought you just might want to know that the link from your storybook homepage to your comment wall is broken – you seem to have linked to the admin-only version of the post.
I’ve read parts of your storybook before, but this week I got to read your latest story, “Avenging a Wife.”
In the first paragraph, I think you might need to make a small change to the third sentence: “She was the [most] perfect woman in the world” or “she was the perfect woman[.]” I also noticed that there’s an opportunity for some nice sentence-level parallelism if you change the second-to-last sentence to be “She was an athlete; she lead the best women’s lacrosse team in the world.” (Same structure as the preceding sentence.)
It’s hard for me to tell if all of this idealization – the wealth, the perfect people – is with a bit of an ironic touch, in which case I’d say lay more of it on, or if its not, in which case I’d say, maybe flesh things out a little more?
I love the line about the lawn gnomes and the HOA, by the way.
Best,
A.M.
Hey Alex!
ReplyDeleteI really like the concept of your storybook, taking conflicts from older eras and translating them to modern situations. The layout of your website is easy to navigate and is very well done. The image you have for the banner on each page is lovely and colorful, but you might consider adding a variety of banner images to keep each page fresh and exciting for the reader. Providing visual images that match the themes will also help immediately clue us in to what we are about to read.
In "The Lover's Luau" I would suggest removing the extra spaces between paragraphs. Having so much space makes it harder for the eye to transition smoothly from paragraph to paragraph, and makes it seem like there are long pauses in the writing where there shouldn't be. There is also one instance in the dialogue where there is a misplacement of the period: in the hotel". --> in the hotel." Your use of dialogue is very good otherwise, and keeps the action moving along in an exciting way.
Great job!